S t r a n g e r

After two days of being really sick, and lots of time to sit and think.
I still can’t stop thinking about “him”. I know, I know.
 I swore I wouldn’t write about "him" anymore
but................
I thought I knew him.
I knew we had the same appetite for sex.
I knew we even had the same taste in music.
We both have a love for dogs.
I know that he has a gentle heart.
I know he is a very private person (oddly enough I am not)
Doesn't seem like I knew much about him after all.
We weren’t married.
Even though you can be married to someone and yet never truly “know” someone. Right?
Was anything he said the truth?
I often wonder.
Or
Was it part of some game.
Was I just willingly playing along? Most people would rather believe a lie than face the truth.
I never thought of myself as such a person.
Was he just saying those things guys say to get you into bed? Again I went willingly.
If there had been more time or under different circumstances would I have gotten to know “him”. Would he have let me in?
Does it even matter now?
Was I delusional? Was any of it real?
The feelings I thought he had for me.
I claim to be a pretty intelligent women, but now I feel pretty stupid.
I really believed he cared for me.
Was he “that” good?
I am after all such an easy target. Since I want to be loved so badly, that I believed.
The not knowing is what really sucks.
It’s like unfinished business. I know a lot of times in life you don’t get the answers you seek. But it doesn’t make you want them any less.
The answers that is.
I know I have such horrible trust issues. 
I want love but yet I don’t believe when I am told I am loved.
Will the wondering ever go away?
Or
Will I still be hung up on him 10 years from now?
Wondering
Was it real?
Or
Just a fantasy?
And
Would I be ok with whichever one it was
Hmmmmmmm
That is the question.
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